It almost beggars belief that it could come to that, but in theory Ex-Prince Andrew could get banged up for life if found guilty of dipping his paw in the public purse. He is nonetheless running out of friends fast, with even his own brother as well as Keir Starmer saying the rozzers must do their worst. But, as our Political Correspondent Peter Spencer reports, it’s a Prime Minister of yesteryear who’s got egg on his face.
Naturally Mr Mountbatten insists he shouldn’t be on the naughty step at all, but the fun-poking publication Private Eye’s reminded readers about the eyebrows raised when he first got his golden opportunity.
Step forward Tony Blair. Who brushed aside all the stories of the man’s escapades, that had already earned him the nickname ‘Randy Andy’, and made him Britain’s Trade Envoy a quarter of a century ago.
There was also consensus among his associates that he hardly seemed the best man to schmooze money men into investing in UK PLC, given that he seemed to have all the charm and subtlety of a buffalo.
Which made the job offer all the odder.
Still, it was rather quaint that Thames Valley police, in their statement about his arrest, referred to him as ‘a man’ instead of their usual term for anyone suspected of anything: ‘An individual.’
Not that that’ll stop them digging through a lot more than the grubby stuff relating to the paedo monster Epstein.
They might not find as much as they hope, however, as Private Eye also suggests he’d done a spot of ‘editing’ at the place they’ve been turning over. Apparently even hiring a shredding company to help.
You can see why he didn’t much fancy getting collared on his birthday as it hasn’t happened to a royal sibling for nearly five centuries, when Queen ‘Bloody’ Mary got cross with her sister Elizabeth.
That one blew over, though the same can’t be said for what happened after King Charles 1st was taken into custody. Being cut down to size doesn’t make for a good look.
All of which puts in the shade more recent examples of yanking the long arm of the law. Princess Anne got away with a fine after her dear little bull terrier Dotty bit two boys in Windsor Great Park.
And the police simply gave ninety-seven-year-old Prince Philip ‘suitable words of advice’ after they caught him driving without a seat belt. Just two days after he’d tipped his Land Rover over, and bopped another car in the process.
So much space given to all these shenanigans in a supposedly political column is indicative of the merciful, if temporary, distraction from the woes endlessly besetting the current Prime Minister.
The by-election in Greater Manchester’s Gorton and Denton constituency is just days away. And if this supposedly safe Labour seat falls into enemy hands we could be looking at yet another crack at unseating him.
But before that even, Donald Trump’s got poor Keir in something close to a stranglehold over an obscure little clump of islands in the Indian Ocean.
To describe the backdrop to this story as obscure is an understatement, to say the least. Though they were originally part of a French colony, we Brits claimed them in the early nineteenth century, and hung onto them even after they were supposed to have got rid of us.
Eventually we backed off, on condition they granted us a hundred-year lease on an Anglo-American air base on one of the clumps of land. Joe Biden’s lot insisted we struck this deal, on the grounds it was vital to American security.
Trump disagreed. Then agreed. Then disagreed again a matter of hours after his own people announced they agreed. Not so much a U-turn as a handbrake turn on an ice rink.
The rationale, leaving aside The Donald’s shall we say curious way of going about things, is what’s widely thought to be his imminent attack on Iran.
Fearing this would be a breach of international law, Starmer said he couldn’t use the place as a launchpad for his warplanes. And this seems to have turned the Prez’s orange face purple with rage.
God knows what happens next. Not so much a matter of watching this space as diving for cover.
It’s always possible Starmer will resile from his position, as he does have form in that area. His announcement last week that he won’t after all delay a huge swathe of town hall elections in May marks his fifteenth major U-turn in just a year and a half.
Also worth pointing out that this particular about turn came just three hours after he’d said there wouldn’t be any more of them.
Not that he has the monopoly in that area, mind. Last week Reform’s Nigel Farage took a leaf out of his White House chum’s playbook and revealed he no longer favours helping out parents who’ve got more than a couple of kids.
Having previously been well up for ditching the so-called two-child benefit cap he’s now decided the nation can’t afford it. Then again he is a bit of a one for shifting sands, considering his own ideological odyssey. Once as fervent as any Tory, now trading as their nemesis.
Not that he ought to be that cocksure of himself though. The latest polls suggest he’s more likely to pull a face than a pint next time he’s down the pub.
Last week’s survey for The Times and Sky News shows that the scandal over our ex man in Washington Peter Mandelson’s Epstein links hasn’t dented Labour’s support, while Reform’s has dipped three points.
Also, in spite of his supposed lovely-blokey-smiley appeal to punters he’s even less popular than the Conservative leader. And not all that far in front of Keir Starmer.
Experts suggest this could be to do with greater voter interest in the economy, which has shown tentative signs lately of picking up, and less on immigration, which was always Farage’s favoured clickbait.
Could even be word’s filtered out that legal migration, which is after all nearly all of it, has plummeted by two-thirds in a single year. To a point that cutting those sort of numbers from the workforce will reduce the nation’s tax take, thus costing us all.
An argument maybe for Starmer to just think for himself instead of being taken in by too much outside advice.
Certainly, one unfortunate Amazon delivery driver would go with that. Heading out towards a remote island on the Essex coast a few miles from Southend, he followed his satnav’s instructions on how to get there.
Problem being it directed him not towards the road to Foulness, but the ancient and highly hazardous six-mile pathway. On which hundreds of people have drowned over the centuries.
Luckily the chap engaged brain quickly enough when he noticed the tide was flooding in and the van was getting stuck in the mud. Which meant he could do a runner in time, and get the vehicle lifted out later.
Might have been even better though if he’d clocked the obvious a bit sooner. And used his own nous to spot the hiding to nothing, instead letting a stupid machine lead him straight into it.
Watch Peter’s report at peterspencer.org
Peter Spencer has 40 years experience as a Political Correspondent in Westminster, working with London Broadcasting and Sky News. For more of his fascinating musings on the turbulent political landscape, follow him on Facebook & Twitter.