That line, from Tennyson’s Charge Of The Light Brigade, neatly sums up where Keir Starmer’s at. And, just as it didn’t end well for the unfortunate British cavalrymen, he too knows the end could be nigh for his premiership. As our Political Correspondent Peter Spencer reports, he’s facing fire from all sides – both at home and abroad.
The Tories may have given the Chinese long spoon treatment for years, but Starmer’s going full chummy chopstick with them.
He’s eyes wide shut regarding the potentially enhanced snooping capacity flowing from their super-embassy in the heart of London, and planned future security alignment.
Worth the risk, though, he argues, in return for shedloads of their money coming our way. Logically, inward investment should put pounds in British pockets.
Besides, Beijing’s promise to crack down on small boat engines made on their turf and onpassed to European people smugglers is handy catnip for anti-immigrant voters back home.
However, it won’t play so well if the emperor across the Atlantic turns nasty.
Donald Trump’s already threatening to pepper-spray the Canadian economy as a reprisal for rapprochement with the Chinese.
So far, he’s gone no further than telling us we risk his displeasure. But he could start snarling at any second. Or forget we even exist. It’s his way.
Some say it’s all part of the man’s cunning plan. Just diss the old rules-based order, scare the pants off everyone then end up with amazingly good deals, on his side.
Others take a dimmer view, tagging him TACO, short for Trump Always Chickens Out. Or even, dare one say, writing him off as a blundering, narcissistic halfwit.
To quote from the TV series House of Cards: ‘You might very well think that, I couldn’t possibly comment.’
No getting round it though, the man is dangerous. Which is why Starmer’s gone to such lengths to tickle his tummy in the hope it’ll keep him sweet.
The tactic came unstuck when Trump announced that our boys didn’t do their bit in Afghanistan. But interestingly, he did go TACO when Number Ten had a good grumble about it.
Which suggests Sir Keir’s really got no choice but to manfully tiptoe through the minefield. Indeed, even some who support his cause say he knows no other way.
Rafael Behr, a columnist on the left-leaning Guardian, described him last week as: ‘The politician who avoids politics, the problem-solver who hates to name a problem, the leader whose first choice is never to choose.’
Not that he had any choice last week when the writing looked on the wall, regarding Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham’s near-certain stab at his job.
If he’d allowed his rival to stand in the forthcoming by-election, caused by the demise of the sitting Labour MP, it could so easily have turned him into No-Longer-Here-Keir.
And at this point a story in Homer’s Odyssey springs to mind, the one about Scilla and Charybdis.
Homebound hero Odysseus risked getting half his ship’s crew eaten by a multi-headed monster, or drowning the lot of them a giant whirlpool.
Only one thing for it then, both for the ancient Greek and the current PM, in spite of the immense collateral damage.
The fury among Burnham backers in parliament was only to be expected. Likewise the risk that without a big hitter like him standing in the election there’s a good chance Labour will lose this normally safe seat.
Worth pointing out, mind, that if Starmer hadn’t put his foot down the voters of Greater Manchester would also have had to choose a new mayor.
And if Nigel Farage’s Reform party had scooped up that huge prize there’s have been floods of tears before bedtime in the Labour camp.
One disaster averted then. Or, rather, one punch in the gut put on hold. It’s coming anyway, in the shape of the flurry of town hall and devolved government elections in May.
In Starmer’s nightmares his side loses vast swathes of his local government base, and both Scotland and Wales sheer off. Maybe even feel empowered for another crack at independence.
It’s said that five years ago he had to be talked out of quitting as leader of the Labour party when they lost a by-election in Hartlepool. A seat they’d held ever since it was created nearly half a century earlier.
Could he be thinking on those lines again right now? Unlikely, but in these crazy times best not rule anything out.
Remember, just eighteen months after his party’s historic general election victory, Starmer seems to have the lowest popularity rating of any Prime Minister ever.
Against that, the latest authoritative poll evidence suggests that maybe, just maybe, Labour’s at last starting do do better. From a hideously low base, mind.
Still, they will take heart in party headquarters that they’ve crept up a couple of notches, putting them a mere four points behind Farage’s lot.
For what it’s worth, they’ve also moseyed ahead of the Tories, who’ve lost two per cent somewhere.
Not that that’s necessarily anything to be wondered at, seeing as they’ve also lately been losing a number of their one-time heavyweight MPs.
The latest, former Home Secretary Suella Braverman, trilled how thrilled she was last week to, in her words: ‘Feel like I’ve come home.’
Funny how things turn out. Only last year Nigel Farage said he didn’t want her in his party, yet there they all were, big cuddles all round.
Doubtless it’s occurred to him in the interim that if he does get to be PM it might be handy to have a few folk on board who’d actually done some governing.
But it does have to be said her experience was, to say the least, intermittent. During the Tories’ turbulent last gasp she did have to resign on one occasion. And, after getting the job back, getting the sack.
Now that there’s no going back anyway, her old team’s in full-on sneery-smeary mode, even at one point questioning her mental health.
Maybe mindful that as a former practising barrister she doubtless understands the libel laws, they reined back on that one.
Instead, the Tory leader settled for labelling defectors ‘drama queens’, which isn’t that far behind.
Unhappy ship? Sinking ship? However, with the traditional two-party system rocked to its foundations by the insurgent Greens as well as Reform, it’s hardly surprising that Labour isn’t exactly giggly either.
Maybe they could all do with a swift snifter, to calm their nerves, though even that’s looking like a toppling option.
Seems the Royal Navy’s finally figured out what to do with the drunken sailor. Basically, keep him on an even keel.
The move comes in the wake of an internal report suggesting all too many of the jolly jack tars spend all too much of their time three sheets to the wind.
So in future they’ll only be allowed six pints a week, to: ‘Mitigate risks to operational capacity.’ Skipperspeak, doubtless, for making sure they can sail in a straight line.
Here at least Donald Trump sets a fine example, as he’s never touched a drop in his life. Amazing really, given his, shall we say, uncertain course.
Watch Peter’s report at peterspencer.org
Peter Spencer has 40 years experience as a Political Correspondent in Westminster, working with London Broadcasting and Sky News. For more of his fascinating musings on the turbulent political landscape, follow him on Facebook & Twitter.