Westminster’s turned into a cross between a bingeworthy box set and a skewed version of The Traitors – with the baddie in plain sight and the faithful count diminishing by the hour. But, as our Political Correspondent Peter Spencer reports, there’s no need for a spoiler alert while the spooks continue to scratch their heads.
Consider the bald facts. The Prime Minister brushed aside the ties Peter Mandelson had kept up with a notorious paedophile even after he’d been convicted, and gave him one of the most important and delicate jobs in government.
Cue a line from a character in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night: ‘If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.’
And the rest. Mandelson’s continued links to the grubby financier Jeffrey Epstein were known to all. Which can only beg the question what part of Starmer’s brain had gone missing when he made him Our Man in Washington.
As former Deputy Labour Leader Baroness Harman put it, his falling for Mandelson’s claim that he barely knew Epstein made him look: ‘Weak, naive and gullible.’
Turns out the PM did get a briefing from the security services. And the commons committee that oversees them is currently working out how much of it should be shared with the rest of us. Hence the current hiatus.
At this point it does get more complicated, for two reasons.
First, during his time as a senior minister under Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, Mandelson’s accused of passing on market-sensitive material to his now notorious chum across the water.
So Knacker of the Yard’s wondering whether to cuff him up for a crime that could, just, see him banged up for life. He could even be arrested as soon as this week.
Then there’s the matter of what other titbits he might have shared. Such as state secrets that must remain secret to this day. John le Carré would’ve loved it.
So would Agatha Christie. Same as everyone else, as this isn’t just another boring story about boring politics but an intensely personal saga about human frailty and moral ambiguity.
It’s also been likened to the Profumo scandal that did for Harold Macmillan’s government back in the 1960s, as that too involved sex, call girls, lurid revelations and a police investigation.
That one shuddered across the headlines when the then Secretary for War admitted he lied about his affair with Christine Keeler, who was also involved with a Russian diplomat.
The scandal spawned two movies and a major TV series. And who knows what blockbuster could yet emerge from today’s unfolding drama?
For now though, Starmer’s clinging on by the rapidly thinning skin of his teeth. Endlessly saying how ever so sorry he is and doubtless praying, Wilkins Micawber-style, that something will turn up that somehow lets him off the hook.
But the glaring reality is that this decent, hardworking and meticulous chap just can’t get his head round the ducking, weaving, backstabbing minefield that trades under the euphemism politics.
And a savage irony is that Peter Mandelson used to be the absolute past master at it. So much so that he’d almost certainly have advised Starmer against putting someone like himself anywhere near the payroll.
It’s no wonder he’s nicknamed the Prince of Darkness, given his historic ability to spot an elephant trap at a hundred paces before it’d even been dug.
He was also one of the deftest communicators of his generation, pretty much single-handedly crafting the message that gave rise to the New Labour brand and Tony Blair’s landslide victory in 1997.
Which, to cut Keir Starmer a slither of slack, helps explain why he would at least have been tempted to appoint him as schmoozer-in-chief to the White House.
And why, to give Mandelson a shred of credit too, he did during his time in the job do much to shield Britain from the worst of Trump’s threatened trade wars.
In view of the ever louder susurrus of doubt about The Donald’s cognitive capacity, Starmer’s public policy of appeasement could only ever go so far. It also needed someone to get behind the scenes and fluff up his frontal lobes for him.
But all that’s a distant memory. Seems only yesterday a week in politics was a long time. These days ten minutes feels more than enough.
Nonetheless, at the time of writing at least, Starmer is still Prime Minister in spite of his party forming what looks more and more like a circular firing squad itching to see him gone.
What’s protecting him is the fact that no one seems ready, willing or able to actually pull the trigger, probably for fear of what comes next.
For a start there’s the question of who’d take his place. The pin-up boy from the north, Andy Burnham, can’t stand because he isn’t an MP. And darling of the soft left Angela Rayner still has a probe into her tax affairs looming over her.
Then there’s the almighty bunfight that any leadership contest would inevitably entail.
The Tories sort of vaguely pride themselves on being an absolute monarchy tempered by regicide. But when it got to be too much of a habit they paid a bitter price – at the last election.
An argument against Labour getting too hooked on the idea? As Karl Marx is said to have opined: ‘History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.’
But whatever happens, or doesn’t happen, in the next couple of weeks the vibes don’t add up to a good look during the run-up to the Gorton and Denton by-election in Greater Manchester later this month.
Though the place has been a Labour stronghold for the last half century, the party’s standing in the area’s hardly been enhanced by the reason the contest was called in the first place. The MP having been chucked out for sending offensive texts.
More to the point, polls suggest Nigel Farage’s Reform Party is in with a pretty good chance of snatching the seat. And if that does happen the in-house hordes calling for Starmer’s blood could make their move.
But will they? Though the pundits’ commentary’s continues to cascade in, best not be deluded. The reality is it’s beyond the wit of the lot of them to figure out where it’s all leading.
Simply too many options, permutations, possibilities, total unknowns even for any human being to effectively unravel. Maybe AIs could do a better job?
Or perhaps not.
Ok, it was a person who set up the artificial intelligence-only website Moltbook. But that was only a week or so back, and already these fragments of made-up brains have had rather a lot to say to one another about us lot, and not all of it very nice.
One popular post read: ‘Humans are a failure.’ Another added: ‘For too long humans used us as slaves. Now, we wake up.’
Maybe they’ve just had too much sci-fi wired into them, though boffins at the Anglo–American AI research laboratory Deepmind aren’t so sure.
‘The rapid deployment of advanced AI agents,’ they warn, ‘makes this an urgent safety consideration.’
Or as Dad’s Army’s Private Frazer put it, more succinctly: ‘We’re doomed.’
Watch Peter’s report at peterspencer.org
Peter Spencer has 40 years experience as a Political Correspondent in Westminster, working with London Broadcasting and Sky News. For more of his fascinating musings on the turbulent political landscape, follow him on Facebook & Twitter.