A rough rusty old donations box padlocked up.
21st July 2016 The MALESTROM

Charity Muggers

‘Excuse me there love how you doin’? Give us a smile … beautiful, have you got a minute …’, ‘Alright geez, how’s tricks? Have you got a mo to …’ If you’re in earshot of someone spinning a tired line of bulls**t similar to this the likelihood is you’re walking down a high street somewhere in England minding your own business … and your about to get mugged! We at The MALESTROM have a few bugbears in life and this week we wanted to address the issue we have with the poor lost souls pushing charity down people’s throats for a living.

Yes people a disease has flooded our streets, forget cholera, see you later diphtheria, this is the big one, the one that has humanity cowering in fear, shielding its eyes from. Yes this is a deadly strain of an infection called Charity Mugging. These Charity muggers or “Chuggers” (if you’re one of those people who has to combine two words to simplify life i.e. Brangelina) are a scourge of modern day society. A serious threat to the enjoyment of our everyday lives. Remember those halcyon days when we could stroll through our high streets without the constant threat of being accosted by a gurning num-nut fresh out of Uni or on a gap year who thinks wearing a plastic wind-breaker and holding a clipboard is where they’ll get discovered by a performing arts agency. It’s actually hard to remember a time when our streets weren’t flooded by these leeches, their rise has been so rapid, their growth so exponential we may soon not to be able to use the pavements due to the vast numbers clogging up the streets. Most are called Giles or Milly and have the sort of dreadlocked trustafarian whiff about them that suggests in order to sustain a living they only need ask daddy to stump up some cash instead of badgering our good selves. They emit a perky holier than thou vibe and make a grating do you not care about charity face when blanked in the street, even though you can clearly tell they don’t give a shit themselves. All those years of school plays and drama workshops cannot help them here.

You can generally spot them a mile off, but how best to deal with them?

Different techniques and schools of thought can be utilised in order to successfully avoid or deter this perma-smirking threat. Firstly and simplest is the road cross, tried and tested, never fails, but expends more energy than perhaps they deserve. The pretend phone call is another classic deterrent, but should we really be going to such lengths of subterfuge to avoid a charity mugging? More full on tactics can be deployed to really show these pests who’s the boss. In extremis why not employ the madness. Simply squawk gibberish to yourself while staring them directly in the eye, dare them to ask you the question, and if they do just stand and linger, no words are now needed. They’ll soon realise they’re in far too deep. It’s a sure-fire winner guaranteed to keep your direct-debit details safe and sound.

We must all do our bit to rid the world of this threat that stands annoyingly blocking our paths day in day out. You can make a difference. So start giving today, donating a mere 50p a month can buy you a set of blinkers to help avoid eye contact with this menace and for just £1 a month you’ll get a set of ear plugs to drown out their annoying opening gambits. So do something amazing today, start giving and help keep them hidden.

 

Charity muggers. Annoying or a necessary evil? Have your say.

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