Breaking news!! Breaking news!! White House burned down by British army!!
This side of The Pond, liberals everywhere will light bonfires in celebration. Or would, if the President were in residence. But won’t, as the incident took place in 1814, during the American War of Independence. A low point in Anglo-US relations.
Happier times will spring to mind on Thursday when Donald Trump dines at Blenheim Palace – birthplace of Sir Winston Churchill.
He was close to Franklin D. Roosevelt, who, after obligingly winning World War II for us, is widely regarded as a dude. Unlike the present Commander-in-Chief, who strikes many Brits as more of an orangutan pole-dancing in a pink tutu. Wrong on so many levels.
When John Kennedy visited in 1961, half a million people turned out to tell him how cool he was. Similar numbers may show up for Trump, but with a different message. The police are not looking forward to it.
A hint at London’s take will adorn the skyline throughout the visit. A giant inflatable blimp presenting Mr President as a nappy-clad baby. The airborne equivalent of the once–mooted mass mooning demo.
It should be clearly visible from the US ambassador’s Regents Park residence, where the object of this calculated insult plans to overnight after his dinner.
The Trump’s not noted for his attention to detail, but can’t miss this. And be furious he can’t deploy the USAF to bring the goddamned sonofabitch down. Though he’ll have his work cut out anyway, proving the largest crowds ever turned out to welcome him. Same as when he was inaugurated as President. Ahem.
On Friday he’s off to meet the Prime Minister at her country retreat, where cabinet ministers met last week for their twelve-hour Brexit hate-in. Polishing a turd, as the now ex-Foreign Secretary so elegantly phrased it. Too smelly for him, as well as for David Davis, as it turned out.
Bojo’s been big on four-letter words recently. His other bon mot might cross Mrs May’s mind as she prepares to receive the American President. Not just because he loves trampling on pillars of the post-war consensus like Nato and the climate change accord, but also because he’s gone off free trade.
New tariffs on UK and European products have been described by Number Ten as ‘deeply disappointing’. The vicar’s daughter’s way of adapting Bojo’s quote about business. The words would never cross her lips, but she could have the thought: ‘F**k Trump.’
Her natural reserve, however, will not protect her from his tendency to make any new bestie into a heap of horseshit on the flick of that dodgily improbable quiff. Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. Or in The Donald’s case, dye.
Annoyingly, from his detractors’ point of view, the American economy is booming and Mr Trump enjoys considerable popular support.
Same as the smart guy/schmuck, depending on the day of the week, in the Kremlin. For the same sort of reasons. Always plays well at home, giving foreigners the bird.
After Chequers, The Donald and La Melania will be taking the big bird for Scotland. For a spot of golf, in his case. And tweeting, no doubt. Let’s hope he tees up a treat, otherwise what might he say about the woman he’ll have just left? At Windsor Castle?
After a banquet at Buckingham Palace in 1977, the then President Jimmy Carter thanked the Queen Mother by kissing her full on the lips. ‘I took a sharp step backwards,’ she said later. ‘Not quite far enough.’
That would have made a neat tweet, and who knows what her daughter might like to squeeze into 140 characters following the Trump visitation?
Depends what he does of course. We can but dream of reading the following: ‘Good tip from mater! One stepped back sharply! Wouldn’t want one’s pussy grabbed!’
The decidedly dapper Peter Spencer has 40 years experience as a Political Correspondent in Westminster, with London Broadcasting and Sky News. He’s interviewed every Prime Minister from Harold Wilson to Theresa May. Aside from his reporting duties he’s also a talented author. Follow him on Facebook & Twitter
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